(Tribune March 2005)

In our mixed up world, some folks are starting to discuss the possibility of legalizing polygamy.

My wife and I were discussing the possible benefits of this at breakfast last week. Actually, I was doing the discussing and she was… well… looking disgusted.

Polygamy can’t be entirely bad. I understand that in some cultures, I would be entitled to keep four wives around the house. If Canada changed the rules, I would, out of patriotic duty, have to go shopping.

I rambled on, describing various scenarios and personality mixes that might be appropriate. I was aware that Noreen was starting to drum her fingers on the table. Never a good sign.

I finished up by declaring that to keep peace and harmony in our new family group, it would be up to me to use all my seductive charms to keep everyone happy and contented.

Having completed my assessment of the possibilities, I sat back for the response. Will I never learn?

My dear wife started by patting me on the head and explaining that I had just outlined a "Charlie’s Angels" fantasy that would never happen even if I lived forever.

She did, however, admit to seeing very real opportunities in the scenario. First, I would have to accept that, in a country of equal rights, the pleasure of multiple mates would not be available exclusively to men.

Have you ever seen those renovation programs on cable television? You know, they always feature some handy guy who walks around wearing a massive tool belt and who fixes everything that he considers broken and never hits his thumb with a hammer. Noreen thinks maybe she could use one of those.

Next, she might shop for a "Toy Boy". You know the type, someone who is young and fit and has good teeth. My immediate "no way" reaction was neutralized when it was pointed out that in my scenario, I wanted three "Toy Girls". Dejected, I sat back while it was explained that this new husband could push her cart at Pupo’s and could carry the heavy groceries. He also could wash the car in our driveway on hot summer days, wearing his speedo. Disgusting! (OK, maybe my "Charlie’s Angels" car wash fantasy was a bit of a stretch…)

The third addition could be a thoughtful companion who would buy her flowers regularly for no apparent reason. A man who would sit at the piano on long winter evenings, playing show tunes and singing love songs to her. Don’t we have a CD player for that?

For the final turn of the thumbscrew, I was reminded that to keep peace and harmony in our new family group, I must accept that my dear wife would have to use her seductive charms to keep all of these husbands happy and contented.

I responded the only way that a real man could. I harrumphed!

In my younger days, my harrumph would strike terror in small children and on occasion, could silence a room of angry accountants. Not this one. Damn thing got caught in my throat and came out as a pathetic squeak. I had been defeated.

We don’t talk about polygamy around our house any more.

Polygamy will never be considered a threat to Welland society. Today’s women are just too smart.

Does anyone know where l could learn to play the piano? Just in case…

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