I got up in a cranky mood…some folks might be offended!

(Tribune March 2006)

I got up in a really bad mood this morning.

Everyone gets annoyed over little things and normally we ignore those things as insignificant. We ignore them until we are cranky. Noreen just rolls her eyes when I carry on like this. She has heard it all before.

If I want to take my grandson for a ride in my truck, the law says I have to be equipped with an approved child seat and restraining device. Same grandson takes the school bus to junior kindergarten at E W Farr in Fenwick. There are no child seats on the school bus, there are no seat belts and there is no protective grandpa. Are they telling us a school bus is accident proof?

Why do people use flashbulbs when they take pictures from the stands at a football game? Flash, flash, flash! You see hundreds of them. I figure that the effective range of a flash is about twenty feet. What are these people doing? Illuminating bald heads three rows down?

Do you know what “gray power” is? It is the name used by an outfit that advertises on TV and claims that old folks, like me, are going to get a better deal. Ever take a close look at the TV wife of the old guy doing the talking? Looks like she has red hair. I hope she doesn’t get a gray power discount!

Talking about gray power, what is the deal with these senior citizen discounts? Everyone who turns fifty-five suddenly wants a cut rate on everything from haircuts to KY jelly. That is nuts! The younger folks who are still paying to raise kids and pay off mortgages are charged full price. The fifty-five plus crowd who no longer have those cash drains think they deserve a preferred rate. Raise the senior citizen age to seventy! Make the freedom fifty-five crowd pay!

Do you like candles? Noreen does. I don’t. They stink. They provide more indoor pollution than they are worth, especially in our energy efficient airtight houses. Noreen says they give off a scent. I say they give off noxious fumes. The fire department should pass a law…

Kids today are given two wheeled bicycles (there is a redundancy) as soon as they are out of diapers. It is not legal to ride a bike on the sidewalk. We just put a helmet on the kid’s head and send him out to ride in the traffic. I think we should allow bicycles to be ridden on the sidewalk. It is a heck of a lot safer than on the road, especially for little kids. We should change the law. Forget that song and dance about danger to people walking. Pedestrians can keep the advantage if we just allow them to carry a big stick. Everyone should give the little kids on bikes the right of way. However, if some adult bike rider does not give a pedestrian the right of way, the pedestrian can simply shove his stick into the bicycle spokes and stand back enjoying the sight of rude biker flipping ass over teakettle. A couple of incidences like this and bikers will learn to be courteous.

Why do people wear socks with sandals? That is like wearing cotton underpants under a thong.

Sometimes the ATM at the Seaway Mall goes out of service. The screen shows the message “this machine is out of service”. The message is in English. No French. What if a Canadian, who is a Francophone, tries to use the “out of service” machine because he/she cannot read the message? That is embarrassing. This is a bilingual country. Welland is a bilingual area. Use both languages!

Ever look at the picture of me at the top of this column? They cut off half my head. The Tribune does it to everyone. Better keep my mouth shut. George and Mike might stop publishing my stuff.

Here is a church thing. Let me tell you about the sharing of the peace. This is where, in the middle of the service, everyone jumps up and goes around shaking hands. When and why did we start this? The practice has gotten completely out of control. There seems to be a contest to shake the most hands. You hear everything from “peace be with you” to “good to see you”. I am just waiting to hear “how ‘bout those Leafs?” When I am in a worship service, I do not need to have my thought process shattered with a social recess. We can socialize before or after the service. If you must share the peace, keep it under control. Shake hands with a person near you, stay out of the aisles and the whole process can be kept to under forty seconds.

People are always complaining about the government. Stop second-guessing every move the politicians take. You gave them a job and the authority to make decisions. If they screw up, you can throw them out at the next election. If I were in politics, I would be cranky every morning.

Now that I have offended everyone, I am going back to bed. A wise woman once said that if you feel stressed you should assume the fetal position and turn the electric blanket up to nine.

I am going to do that. Don’t call.

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